I screamed my lungs out. Immediately, air swooshed into my mouth. It was rushing. Forceful. I felt exhilarated. I threw my hands up in the air and screamed again. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! One moment I was about to crash to the ground, and next thing I knew I was being snatched up, my lower body leading the way. Whooooooooo! I was parallel to the ground, more than ten feet above it! Then, it was my stomach that felt it first. I was crashing to ground again! My heart beat wildly and tried to knock its way out of my chest. Even my innards didn't seem to be attached to me today. They were left as I zoomed upwards with my feet on the lead. A spittle escaped my mouth as I screamed, landing on my forehead. Without warning, I was parallel to the ground again, my arms flailing wildly. Faces rushed by my eyes, smiling. They were pointing at me. Well, not at me, but at all of us on this roller coaster ride. I screamed again. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh! All of a sudden, it was all over. My innards had finally caught up with me.

"I told you."

I grinned at him, nodding my grudging agreement. JR didn't stop until he had finally convinced me to let him drag me to this roller coaster ride. It wasn't as cool as the one at Enchanted Kingdom, but it was still fun. Actually, it would have been boring, but JR kept tickling me until I was screaming thirty feet above the ground. After that, I was screaming nonstop. "You didn't have to tickle me."

He stood up and stepped out of our ride. "It would have been boring if I was the only one trying to lose my voice."

I stayed in my seat. "I wanna do it again."

He rolled his eyes and chuckled. "You're paying for it this time."

"Help me up, please."

"With pleasure." The sarcasm was certainly hard to miss.

For the first time, I noticed that our ride had a name. X-treme Coaster. I chuckled; we were at X-site, after all, spending money like crazy on the arcades. I was not a "god," but I could hold my own at Soul Calibur. One, two, three, pick a number. But when The Gods finally arrived, the machine seemed to be only efficient at swallowing my tokens. The guy on the other side was merciless, more like brutal, actually. Didn't even give me one game. I understood, though. He had a reputation to uphold, after all. Eleven lost games later, I was convinced I never really liked Soul Calibur. It was just a phase. I went to look for JR and found him attached to one of the UFO catcher machines with Mickey Mouse tucked in his pocket like a baby kangaroo. I watched as the UFO picked Tigger up and dropped him into the bucket. JR smiled at me as he collected his prize. I told him I was done with the arcades, and he got the brilliant idea to try the roller coaster. He was right. The roller coaster was fun.

"So, what are we gonna do now?"

"You know what? I think I finally know the difference between Mike and you, and I've only been with you for what?" I think my ears perked up at that. Literally. Kind of odd that I was only interested in my twin brother but not the rest of the family except, well, Father Jim. JR paused to look at his watch. I looked at mine. It was four o'clock. "Six hours!"

"Um... what?" I asked, very much curious.

"Zack, you keep asking what we're gonna do next," JR said excitedly, like he had just done something Guinness-worthy, "Mike would never do that."

"Oh... so, I'm submissive then."

"Well, that's not what I meant. Mike would drag you along to where he wants to go and then ask you later if you enjoyed yourself, while you're more like asking to be taken to somewhere... I don't know... fun? Somewhere you won't be... disappointed."

"Now, I'm selfish."

"No! I mean..." He stopped and looked at me with a confused expression on his face, not being able to come up with the right words. Seeing the grin that I was sporting, he shoved me away from him. "Screw you! I was just trying to be a friend to my best friend's brother." He chuckled. "Well, now that you've mentioned it... you're right. You are selfish."

"Har har. Seriously, what are we gonna do now?"

"Eat." And eat we did.

After a hamburger, fries, and coke, we were strolling aimlessly. I, at least, thought we were. Shop after shop passed us. Then, we were on the escalator, going up. When we reached the fourth level, which was as far up as we could go, JR turned to walk towards the movie theaters, and I just followed him. Like I said, I thought we were strolling aimlessly, although it did cross my mind to ask him why we were here in the first place. But it was just a passing thought. The thought passed by again when I saw the ticket counter. JR, however, was not headed in that direction. He went into a coffee shop and bought a cup of coffee. Duh. I wouldn't know the distinction between Cappuccino and Espresso. I just don't drink coffee. JR also had in his other hand something round and black. He sat down and placed it on the coffee table. This guy, I thought he was just going to buy coffee. I walked over and finally understood why we're here.

"You smoke?" I asked, settling down opposite him.

He nodded, lighting up a cigarette. "This is a mall-designated smoking area. I prefer it here because it's air-conditioned."

"Does Mike smoke?" I asked, staring at ashtray.

"I try to make him. Can't. I guess you don't, huh?"

"No."

"Try it." He handed me a pack and his lighter.

I chuckled. "Maybe next time."

"Same response," he snorted, smoke coming out of his nostrils. "You guys only have to say no, and I'll stop asking, you know."

"You should stop that."

"I know," he answered with a grin, blowing smoke to his right. I got up and bought myself a bottled green tea. JR smiled at me when I got back. "Had fun so far?"

"Yeah. Thanks." A whole lot, I thought, can't thank you enough, actually. We didn't even know each other before today, but here we were, having fun at the mall together, forgetting problems, and leaving them to find their own solutions for the time being. I was tempted to talk about it with him, but now didn't seem like the right time. I was actually having fun! Read: fun. Gotta thank JR for that.

My cellphone hailed at me the moment I stepped into the living room. It snuggled with some magazines and the newspaper on the coffee table. The TV was on. But it wasn't where my parents' attention was right now. Dad was studying me, kind of like trying to guess what I had been doing the whole day. Mom, though, was beaming lacers at me with her eyes. I wasn't scared. I had been preparing for this since the morning. I knew they wouldn't let this go. Add the fact that I purposely left my phone so that no one could contact me. It was nearly ten o'clock. They were worried about me. I didn't care.

"Where have you been?"

"The mall," I answered. I realized only a court reporter and a judge were missing, and I might as well be in a cross-examination. If there was one thing I learned from being the son of two lawyers for a little over fifteen years, it was to tell the truth but not the whole truth—so help me—when you're trying to hide something. Keep the facts as short as possible. They're more incriminating the longer they were. Although if ever they did find out about what I did this morning, it would have been them in hot water. Liars.

"You've been at the mall the whole day?" my mom asked, clearly not buying into my story.

"No. I was at the hospital first." There was something unfair here, I realized. I had no lawyer of my own. I had no one to say "objection!"

"And what did you do at the hospital?"

I went to see my brother. My brother who you had not told me about. My brother who you had lied to me about. "Father Jim's brother had been in an accident. I went to see him."

"You were gone so awfully early, Zack."

I was so mad at you this morning I didn't want to see you. "I woke up early. I couldn't sleep anymore so I thought I should go there. It's a good thing I did. He's got a really big family, and I didn't want to be there with them. I would have been the only non-family member." The irony in my words failed to escape me, and I nearly chuckled because of it.

Dad finally opened his mouth to speak; I almost thought he wouldn't. "Next time don't forget your phone," he said, effectively ending the interrogation.

My mom sighed, glaring at Dad. For all the years that my dad had spoiled me, I never thought that I would one day be mad at him. I remembered how he had always saved me from my mom's questions, just like what he did now, and all the cash that he had slipped to me behind her back. They were all lies. Even my mom's graham cakes. I wonder if I'll ever taste the sweetness in it again without remembering the bitter taste first.

"Your dinner's on the table, Zack."

"Thanks, Dad."

I took my phone and made my way up to my room, taking my dinner with me. There were three text messages from Arvin, one from Brian, and nine missed calls from Dad until, I guess, they learned that I forgot to take my phone with me. It's a good thing I did. It kind of saved me from further interrogation after all.

I ate on my desk. My mind was overworking and doing nothing at the same time. Kind of like a dog chasing after its tail. No matter how hard it would try, there's just no way it could catch its own tail. So what am I doing? Should I even do something? Or should I just let things run their own course? Like I said, overworking and doing nothing at the same time. It's not like I planned to be in this kind of situation. After the last bite of food on my plate disappeared, I was still trying to chase after my tail.

I stood up to take my plate to the sink. But a heartbeat later, there wasn't any need for that anymore, because the plate was shattered into pieces of porcelain-wannabes on the floor. I had dropped it in shock, seeing Brian sitting on my bed staring at me. "Fuck! You scared me!" I managed to gasp out. Fifteen years old and I was almost on the verge of my very first heart attack. Brian did nothing. Just sat there and continued to study me as if nothing had happened. "What are you doing here?" I asked, annoyed and afraid at the same time. I hadn't thought about what to tell Brian. I guess I'd tell him the same thing I told my parents, but I knew he would have more questions. Questions that brothers ask their own brothers. Questions no parent knew how to ask. Of that I was afraid. Don't budge, Zack. Don't budge.

I went to get my trash can, then knelt down and started picking up the pieces of the shattered plate.

"What's wrong, Zack?" Brian asked. "Last night, you were just fine. Now, you don't even notice when someone comes inside your room."

"Everything and nothing," I said, shrugging my shoulders. If he only knew what happened last night after he left. He knelt next to me and started to help me clean the mess up.

"I won't push you, you know. Just don't forget I'm always here."

"Thanks." You don't know how much that means to me, I thought. No questions, just assurances. I wanted to hug him, but that would have given away the mood that I was really in. What would I do without him? Don't even go there. I don't want to know.

After the last piece of the broken plate found its way into the trash bin, Brian went back to sit on my bed while I returned the bin under my desk. "You wanna sleep with me tonight?" he asked.

"Um... how about you sleeping here tonight? You've never slept here before."

"Sure," he said, grinning. "Maybe we could watch a movie in your computer. Want porn?"

I laughed, lying down next to him. God, see what he can do to me? "Straight porn? As in boy and girl getting it on?"

"Of course."

"I've never watched one before," I said, blushing.

"Well, here's your chance..." He paused to snicker. "To see some guy's boner."

"And watch it disappear into some girl's pussy?" My whole body shuddered. "Eww... Let's watch something else."

"You're no fun."

"Don't you even think it's weird to watch porn with your little brother?" I chuckled. "And if I want to watch porn, there's always the internet," I said, immediately making a reminder in my mind about it. I hoped I didn't blush at the thought.

"Um, okay," he said, nodding, "I bought that 'A Time to Kill' CD this afternoon. Let's watch it."

I groaned. Brian had never liked books before, but ever since a friend of his persuaded him to read The Client by John Grisham, he had gone crazy over some smart ass lawyer mouthing an ambitious DA off. John Grisham's books were everywhere in his room. Some hard backs, some paperbacks. All of it second hands. I always teased him about it, but he didn't care. He loved John Grisham. And when he realized some of Grisham's earlier books have movie adaptations, he wanted to see all of them. I didn't.

"But I want to see something with a kung fu," I whined.

"Don't tell me we're going to have this argument again."

"You started it."

It felt oh so real. The arm wrapped around me seemed to smugly tell any future disaster to fuck off. It's like this invisible barrier that's so strong it's visible anyway. At the moment, I was untouchable.

Or so I wanted to believe. In reality, I felt like I was living on borrowed time. I was alive now, but I knew I wouldn't be for any longer. For how much more time, I had no idea. Everything could end tomorrow, for all I know. Everything could go down the drain without a warning. Tomorrow, and maybe even a minute from now. At least, that was how Brian's embrace felt. He had his arms around me now, but what if he finds out I was not really his brother? It was like his embrace doesn't even belong to me. It felt like I was just stealing it. Like I didn't deserve it. How had it come to this?

I let out a breath. I couldn't sleep again. Second night from my moment of truth and I still couldn't sleep. I was pretty sure I had been lying here for hours now. The only thing that's good here was lying next to my brother, his arms around me. I would try to forget all those truths; I would live, or sleep, a lie first. I would close my eyes believing the same things I had believed in for the past fifteen years. I would bask myself in the warmth of my brother's embrace. I would dream of the same dreams. And tomorrow, when I wake up, my brother would still be my brother. Maybe I could even pretend the same with my parents. Yes, I love them. They're not liars, no.

For now, it would be my truth. I am my parents' son. Brian is my brother, and I his. I love them. They love me. We're one happy family.

Happy? Then what were these tears all about? Why did that thought just make me cry? Why did it hurt so much here inside? I couldn't even fool myself for one second.

God, what am I gonna do?
Author's note: "Kuya" is what Filipinos call their older brothers.



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"Fixing a Broken Heart" Copyright © 2009 RJ Santos. All rights reserved.
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