By the time I met Kerry in the morning, everything was about as normal as it was going to get. He didn't ask me how long I stayed in Karl's room. There were no questions about what I did there. He sensed something changed once my eyes fell on Karl. It was the way I stared at him. Seeing him and imagining me as time stood still, as we stood still.

Kerry didn't know the half of it.

I didn't feel guilt. I felt a desire to touch Karl's body. I can remember feeling desire before. I desired the boys Rachael interviewed, but that was fantasy. I visualized a boy's penis while Rachael described him.

Now, I'd seen one for myself. I'd seen it close up and from a few feet away. I saw it before it unloaded and I saw it after the cum ran out of it. I needed to find these things out sooner or later. It was about who I was becoming. Did I really want to go around with boys who wanted me to do that to them?

The answer was self-evident.

"Hi," Kerry said.

"Hi," I said as we started to walk.

When I met Kerry, my life was simple. There was no expectation involved. I was the new kid. He was my guide and volunteer friend seven years before. Had someone asked me, 'How long will you be friends with Kerry? I'd have said, 'Until he gets tired of me, or until I move.'

He volunteered to be my friend. Now, if someone asked me that question, I'd say, 'It's complicated.'

It wasn't complicated though. Kerry and I were fine. What happened with Karl was complicated. Why would I tell my best friend what I did with Karl? No one forced me. I furnished him with the idea I'd do anything he asked me to do.

"Thanks for showing me where you live," I said. "It's cool."

"What I wanted to ask you, Josh, before Karl got into the act, do you want to stay over one weekend. You can see everything and we can just hang out."

"Yeah, sure," I said, seeing myself in Karl's bed. "I'd like that. Let me know when and I'll tell my Mom."

It wasn't about Karl and I would enjoy hanging out with my best friend. I could help him do chores and learn more about alpacas. My mind kept tripping back to Karl because of what I did to him. It wasn't about Karl. It was about me. Through Karl I answered a lot of questions about what I could do and what I would do concerning the sexual side of homosexuality. With my questions answered as far as what I might like to do, Karl was a willing accomplice. It unfolded in a way that got me over the hump. I couldn't back out, which I would have done if he exposed himself and asked, "You want to go down on me?"

Before yesterday I had no idea what I could do or would do. I had the information that made it easier for me to see my way forward. If there was another situation where Karl cornered me in his room, I might not go for it. Yes, he took my breath away, and no, it wouldn't be easy to say, 'No, Karl.'

It would be impossible for me to say no to Karl, but I wasn't running around looking for guys to get with. My life was good and I was growing and learning as I went along. I didn't want to get too far out ahead of where I wanted to be.

While I couldn't imagine sex being as all encompassing as it turned out to be, I wouldn't want to share that with anyone but someone I truly cared about. Doing it with someone I didn't know made it easier to go with the flow. Doing it with someone I cared about would rock my world, not that I hadn't been rocking the day before. It was brand new and as exciting as anything that came before.

I don't know who divided their life into before sex and after sex, but I wouldn't do it. It was hard to put it into perspective. I had no comparison I could make, but the power of it to invade my mind and heart, seemed natural to me.

Sex did rock my world. It wasn't a sacred right you shared with only one person in the entire world for your entire life. Who created an idea like that? Sex could be a release for whatever forces that lived inside of me. I'd never been quite as at peace with myself as I was in Karl's room with Karl.

There are no words to describe the relief that came with the sex act. I could do it. Maybe it was a big deal, but it wasn't anything like the profits of doom made it out to be, unless you do it by the numbers. There are no numbers. There is you and the guy I decide to share that part of my life with.

It was an awesome day. I felt lighter than air. I reached to hold Kerry's hand, and he looked at our hand holding, and he looked at my face and smiled.

I loved Kerry Kane, and Kerry's brother Karl was a trip. I might never go that way again, but Kerry and I were going to go on, because love is wonderful, and just maybe I would be lucky enough to share sex with Kerry. I couldn't imagine it because so many undercurrents and feelings went with it.

Kerry hadn't met my mother or Stanley. I hesitated asking him over. There were girls all over Stanley's house. It's different with girls. I couldn't just bring a boy on to what I considered their turf. I was an interloper. Johnny come lately.

Rachael wouldn't mind, but Wendy and Clare would have a conniption fit. Now that I'd been to Kerry's house, and I knew all his brothers and his parents, I needed to explain why I didn't ask him to come into Stanley's house.

I suspect he knew why. The situation had changed. I needed to explain.

I couldn't imagine having a better friend than Kerry. It would be better for me if I put into words the complications involved in having step-sisters.

We had a simple friendship. It started in Stanley's driveway each morning, when Kerry and I walked to school. It ended in the same place, after walking home from school. I'd stand there and watch him walking toward the Kane farm.

Yesterday morning, it went as usual. Yesterday afternoon, it all changed. Yesterday he took me to their farm, where I met desire on a hay wagon.

"I live at Stanley's, Kerry. It isn't my house. You know about my step-sisters," I said. "I can't just take you home."

"I know about wicked step-sisters. Don't worry about it," he said.

He laughed at the idea I thought I needed to explain my situation to him.

I was telling him after years of talking about my airhead step-sisters. He knew I didn't include Rachael in the airhead category. He'd met Rachael and knew my step-sisters from school before I showed up.

Nothing changed. Everything changed. Yesterday morning I was certain that Kerry and I would be friends forever. Today I wanted to make sure there were no misunderstandings between us.

I felt differently when I held his hand. I felt differently after we stopped holding it. We were ten and a car full of boys yelled, "Faggots."

They stole something from us and we hadn't held hands since, except when in private. Hate and meanness robbed us of our innocence, but I needed to hold his hand today. He didn't resist.

I knew how lucky I was.

I wouldn't do anything to hurt Kerry, not purposely. My feelings were the same for him as they'd always been before there was a Karl. I'd seen Karl from a distance. I don't know why seeing him close up made such a big difference. Little made much difference before I came to live at Stanley's.

I wasn't at home when I was at Stanley's. I was just visiting, even all these years later. Mom may have been at home at Stanley's. His daughters were at home at Stanley's. Stanley was at home at his house. I was connected to my mother, she was connected to Stanley's. I knew how fast that could change.

Once I left Stanley's, I was autonomous. I was aware I needed the roof at Stanley's. The food and decent clothes made it nice. None of it connected me to Stanley's. It made it nice for me, until it changed.

I'd been at Stanley's for nearly as long as I hung on to my mother's skirt, while she searched for her place in the sun. We hadn't moved recently, but the memory about moving was never far away.

My imagination was vivid. I'd lived in a fantasy world before I arrived in Eagle Point. I was alone all the time, which meant alone with my mind. I could create entire worlds. I flew off to unknown lands to have wild adventures, but in the end, I always ended up back where I started.

I suspected Rachael's stories and descriptions of boys she interviewed, had my mind working on what I would do with one of them. I'd been thirteen a while, and for more than a year I'd been daydreaming while doing a little hand to hand on myself. Rachael supplied much of the stimulation that had me jacking off a lot.

It didn't hurt to have a good imagination. It didn't hurt to live near the Kanes, and I was going to go where Karl took me, no matter if it was with him or some other hot boy. I didn't plan to look up boys Rachael talked about. How far would I go? I didn't know, until I went there with Karl.

My fear was the fear of the unknown. I wasn't afraid of Karl. I wasn't afraid of what he showed me. Sooner or later I was going to end up where he took me, and I couldn't imagine going with a better looking dude. Kerry was just as hot as Karl. Kerry had been my best friends forever. Karl was passing through my life.

"Two bulls are on a hill looking down on a pasture full of cows," Kerry said.

"I thought you raised alpacas," I said.

"Shut up and listen. This is funny. Two bulls are watching the cows. The young bull is panting and prancing around. The young bull says, "Lets run down there and fuck one of those cows."

The old bull watches the young bull for a minute or two, and he says, "Let's walk down there and fuck them all."

It was all in your point of view. I laughed because of the irony. Perspective wasn't something you were born with. You got perspective as you learned more. It's why I listened and didn't talk much. So much went on around me, I didn't have much to say. That didn't mean I didn't learn anything. I thought that was the point. Once you learned enough, you had something to talk about.

"Where'd you hear that?" I asked.

"Kenny. He's funny sometimes," Kerry said.

"How does he like high school?" I asked.

"Doesn't talk about it much. He's not a great student but he does OK."

I was never going to be the bull, old or young. I was an observer, a listener. I'd never be a bull, but I knew more about who I might be becoming. Yesterday, I experienced an intensity beyond my ability to describe it adequately. In time, I'd have more perspective, and I'd file it with memorable experiences.

I was too horny for my own good. Running into a guy like Karl pushed me well beyond anything I thought about or did before, but I was already in his room when he got there. He merely made the fantasy I was having about him real.

It was a long way from dreaming about sucking a dick and sucking one. I went to Karl's room dreaming about having him. When he showed up, he had me. I put myself there and I didn't object to anything he had me do. What would I do if I ended up alone with Karl again? If I was being honest with myself, I'd swoon while doing anything he wanted me to do.

The ice had been broken. I'd been there, done that.

One thing I knew about the thoughts I was having, they were as powerful as any A-bomb. Maybe even more dangerous.

I heard stories about what happened to queer boys who look at the wrong guy the wrong way. I had no ideas about being such a queer boy. I wouldn't be dumb enough to stare at a boy the wrong way for so long. Would I?

Once I broke away from Karl's bedroom, I went home, but not without stopping to watch Karl and Kasey wrestling in the hay. I left after they did with the smell of hay and of Karl danced together in my head.

Unable to leave well enough alone, I waited for Rachael to come to my room a few days later. She had no new interviews to speak about.

"What do you know about Karl Kane," I asked.

"Karl? He's in one of my classes this year. Social Studies. The girls all like him. As boys go, he's cute enough. Why do you want to know, Joshua?"

I was ready to ask her the question. I wasn't ready to answer hers. "I just met him and I thought you might know him, that's all," I said, and she smiled a crooked little smile, not believing it for a second.

"One doesn't meet Karl. He's an experience you have," she said. "He's self confident to the point he may be a little too bold, but according to the girls at school who are in the know about such thing, Karl Kane is a stud."

"Girls," I said.

"We're the ones with the bumps," Rachael said in her brand of sarcasm. "I suspect, knowing my little brother as I do, there's more to it than you're saying."

She looked me in the eye and smiled.

"I met him Tuesday. Kerry took me over to the farm," I said.

"And?"

"He was tossing hay down to Kasey. Karl was on the hay wagon. I met Kasey too. I'd seen them in passing a few times, but they're at the high school and Kerry's never made the introductions until yesterday."

"And?"

"And what? I told you," I fudged a little.

"And, what did you think of Karl?"

"Karl?"

"The boy you're pumping me for information about, that Karl."

"He's hot, Rachael. I know guys are hot, but Karl is so hot."

"Come on. Out with it. What happened between you and Karl?"

"I might have stared. He's hot, Rachael. He dropped his jeans and he doesn't wear underwear."

"We'll, my cute little brother, he's obviously noticed you," she said. "Karl doing boys? I don't have any reason to think he wouldn't. He knows he's hot. If he dropped his drawers ... sounds like more than a wardrobe malfunction."

"I couldn't take my eyes off him, Rach."

"It was bound to happen sooner or later. You need to go for it. You can't get pregnant, and I doubt Karl can. Go for it. He'd be considered a catch."

"You haven't interviewed him?"

"Too close to home, Little Brother. One must not shop for hardware in one's own backyard. I've heard he's well equipped, but write that off as rumor. With girls, it's take it or leave it. His dropping his pants for you sounds like an invitation to me. Maybe looking for quid pro quo."

"What's that, Rach?"

"I show you mine, you show me yours."

"An invitation to what."

"If he's exposing himself for you to see, if that ain't sexual, nothing is."

"He was telling me he wanted sex with me?"

"Hard to say. My radar would say so, maybe he was airing himself out and you just happened to pass by, but I'd rate the odds of that as slim and none."

"Would you do Karl?"

"As I said, too close for comfort. What if he got an itch he couldn't scratch, and Father spots him trying to get into my bedroom? I'd do him with caution."

"How'd he find your bedroom?"

"Don't be silly. I'd draw Karl a map."

I laugh. I'd draw him one too, but he wasn't interested in me. I was there. He was horny. He had me cornered. He made the most of an interesting situation. If he was trying to find out how far I'd go, I went as far as he let me go.

"You can't be sure what he's after. He told you he can be had. I'd only be speculating about what boys like to do to each other. He has something in mind."

"He wants sex with me?"

"Joshua, I can tell you about what girls want. While boys and girls are the same species, the similarities end there. I don't know how boys think. Ask me about girls, and I can tell you what I know. You are trying to come to a conclusion without having enough information. Find a way to be alone with him and he'll do the rest. He's hot. You're no ugly duckling. In a few years, you're going to be walking dynamite, Little Brother."

"I will not," I said.

"You're cute as a bug," Rachael said.

"Thanks a lot. I hope it isn't a stink bug," I said.

Rachael laughed.

* * * * *

Thinking about boys isn't what makes me feel the way I feel. It's what I feel that has me thinking about boys.

Not thinking about boys creates turmoil.

My instincts are telling me I want to be with boys. I want to touch them, smell them, be with the boys I like best. I liked Kerry. I was as close to him as I'd ever been to a boy. I knew his smell but I didn't touch him, except when he held my hand. I found that as stimulating as it gets. I didn't regard it an invitation, but I liked it when he held my hand.


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"The Pond"

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"Essence of Karl"

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