My hair is down past my shoulders now. Hair has a special significance in the village. A man's hair is a statement.

Maw used to chop off my hair before school started in the fall. She just whacked it all off. A couple of times a year she'd take the scissors to my hair again. I'd feel a few pounds lighter and I felt any breeze that kicked up for weeks.

My hair hasn't been touched since I left school the last time. Both Medicine Woman and Li'l Fox took turns brushing it for me. It was a few days after Lone Wolf watched Running Horse and me practicing for the hunt we go on soon. It was Li'l Fox doing the brushing, and Medicine Woman had a surprise.

"Lone Wolf say, 'Put in Tall Willow hair. He take from Eagle on butte."

Without ceremony, Li'l Fox began weaving my hair around two eagle's feathers. I'd seen a few men with such feathers. Dark Horse wore such feathers. None of the boys had anything in their hair. Their hair was longer than mine. I didn't understand. Once more I was made to feel uncomfortable.

"I shouldn't wear these," I said uncomfortably.

"Lone Wolf say, Tall Willow earn. No argue Lone Wolf," she said.

"Big Medicine, eagle feather. Plenty good with bow. These say so," Li'l Fox said.

I can't say why I felt so much pride over a few words and two feathers. I never felt more Pawnee. I didn't think Lone Wolf knew I was alive.

The next day I understood when I saw Running Horse with two eagle feathers in his hair. He'd never wore anything that separated him from the other boys before. When Lone Wolf spoke, it law."

Running Horse laughed the next morning when he saw me.

"Lone Wolf speak plenty loud. Tall Willow hear."

"Plenty loud," I said.

Once I saw Running Horse, it made sense. I practiced to become a good bowman. It was my only job. Next to Running Horse, who never missed the target, I was the best shot. Maybe if I had one feather and Running Horse kept the two feathers, it would be more fair.

Lone Wolf saw what he saw. He did what he did. I would not argue. We had a hunt ahead of us, and all the bowman would be tested. If we brought back two or three bucks, it would feed the village for a while. We'd supplement with whatever critters got too close to our bows.

When I did anything well, Running Horse was happiest. Our hunting skills were similar and we both brought back game, when we hunted. We spent much time waiting for a shot, and no one made waiting more enjoyable. Running Horse was my best friend.

While I lived in a village that showed me kindness, when I first emerged from the wigwam of Dark Horse and Medicine Woman, I was a butterfly coming out of his cocoon. My life in the cabin in the valley where the river ran was one of indifference. I was free to go and do what I wanted, but I was restricted by the fingers of the hands that held me there. My mind wasn't so easy to hold in place, and my dreams told me I belonged elsewhere.

I knew of nowhere beyond the town and the places Paw and I hunted.

My Indian blood flowed in my veins and in spite of a life without any kindness for others with the same blood. I was a captive by virtue of my birth into a world where I didn't feel welcome.

In the land of my father, and my father's fathers, going back before any written history, I needed to be expelled, as all Indians were to be expelled from the land Europeans laid claim to. I learned this at the white school.

'Removal is, and always has been, the policy.' T. Jefferson wrote to William Henry Harrison about what he should do with the Indians.

As a white boy, I had nothing to fear. As Pawnee, I would lose everything and everyone I held dear. These were my people in good times and bad. Lone Wolf knew how important deadly accurate archers were in times to come. Would they be able to stop the migration? No, but honor required a fight for his way of life with the last drop of his blood.

I went through many births and deaths between the world I was born into and the world where I belonged. I left my old life with a purpose. I existed in between worlds on my journey. The mountain would be happy to snuff my life out with its harshness. If the snow and ice didn't get me, wild animals waited for me to falter. They'd finish the job.

I fell into the hands of my savior, Li'l Fox. More than a friend, he'd taken me home with him. First, we had to escape men who were vomited up from the depths of hell. They'd come to take us back with them. Li'l Fox, familiar with what evil men do, saved us with swift decisive action.

He did what needed to be done, taking me off the mountain, and he put me into the hands of Medicine Woman, doctor in the village where he lived, and his mother, who knew her business.

I'd found a home without knowing why I was treated with kindness. For Li'l Fox, it's how it was where he lived. I suspected more than the evidence told me. My mind was often working on who these Pawnee people were. I knew I was Pawnee, but I didn't bring this because of my looks. If I claimed to be Pawnee, everything I said afterward would not be believed. I looked white.

Which was confusing, because the Pawnee had no reason to do anything helpful to anyone white. My dream came true. I was finding out what being Pawnee was all about, but words spoken in the wigwam brought back memories of names and people I'd heard before.

When Maw talked to me about what Paw told her of his people, I'm almost sure she used some of the same names I heard in the wigwam while I healed from my broke leg. It was too difficult trying to remember Maw's words, and separate them from my imagination, while I was out of my mind.

I let it go rather than let it make me crazy. I had work to do to be a good Pawnee. My best thing, hunting, needed to be relearned. Instead of a rifle, I was introduced to a bow. Yes, my Hawkin was likely to hit and bring down more game from a grated distance, but it wasn't how you did it here. The bow did the hunting, and I went about learning everything there was to know about the bow.

With Li'l Fox and Running Horse at my side, I couldn't remain ignorant for long. They were what I imagined good Pawnee boys were. I could do worse than following them into a life that was pure Pawnee. I learned something about myself and my feelings, which I pretended not to have when Paw's words did me harm. I pretended not to notice.

I didn't need to pretend in the village, but the question about who these people were, never left me. I let it be, until I heard a name I knew. I remembered it from what Maw told me about Paw. I thought I knew that moment, but I needed to speak the name, and watch the reaction after I did.

I had it in mind, I knew where I was. I knew who these people were, but I couldn't prove it. I didn't dare believe it.

If it was this easy, why did I stay in that miserable world all these years?

Like coming to the village, it wasn't anything I did. Li'l Fox found me. It just happened, or did some great spirit guide Li'l Fox to me?

If the rest of my life was this accidental, how can I know it all won't switch back. I'll wake up in the cabin in the valley where the river runs. Is it some game cooked up in the idle mind of an impish god? We are chess pieces being moved.

Here I learned to smile and feel gratitude. I refuse to go back. I'll die here before I go back there. This is where I belong. I belong with my people. I learned to smile here. I learned to feel gratitude for the life I was living, but I still wasn't sure who I was to these people.

We came to the village where my savior lived, and it was good.

Medicine Woman healed me. Dark Horse watched over me. Li'l Fox stayed by my side. There was no indifference here. I was not like anyone else in the village, but I was here, one more living thing on this plain.

I did not know how to be in a village like this. I became myself in spite of all the warnings that I was not good enough, I did not belong here. No one in the village looked like me. I needed to learn, I am not a color, a race, or a cookie cut like every other cookie. I was free to be me if I dared to think I could.

No one rushed me into being this or that. It was up to me to find myself. They would feed and care for me while I looked. I became a hunter, because I always was one. I went about being the best hunter I could be with a bow.

I had a burr in my blanket and it was time to get it out. The night before we left to go hunt on the mountain, I waited until Medicine Woman was stirring the pot over the fire pit in the wigwam.

"Who is Morning Dove?" I asked.

Medicine Woman dropped the spoon. Dark Horse turned his eyes on me. I heard the name from you, Medicine Woman. I've heard the name before. Who was Morning Dove.

I wanted it to pin them down. I'd been made to feel more Pawnee than I had before. It was time to get the answers I needed to get my mind straight.

"You come, Dark Horse," Dark Horse said in perfect Pawnee.

I understood every word.

I waited for him to leave the wigwam first. I knew the proper order of things. Two eagle feathers didn't make me more Pawnee than I was.

We walked to the pasture. We walked across the pasture. We walked into the forest and Dark Horse looked into the stream. I stopped beside him.

"Where you hear name? I no say name."

"Medicine Woman say name to you. You were talking about Li'l Fox. You stopped talking once she used the name."

I knew the name Proud Eagle, and I had to figure out the rest, but I never said Proud Eagle. Why did he go there? I hadn't mentioned Paw.

"You know name where?"

"Maw told me. Paw told her the name," I said, wanting to explain what I was thinking and why I thought it. He headed me off at the pass.

"Proud Eagle tell your mother?"

I knew the name Proud Eagle, and I had to figure out the rest, but I never say, "You know name where?"

"Why Proud Eagle?" I asked, figuring I had him now.

I was about to get to the bottom of it all.

"You say, 'Proud Eagle. You have fever. Not talk straight. Cry name."

"I did?"

He'd turned the table on me. I was further away from finding anything out. I said the name. It was me, not Medicine Woman or Dark Horse.

I laughed at my crazy mind. I'd said the names I heard in the wigwam. It was me all along, but that made no sense either, until Dark Horse explained it.

"Dark Horse grandson," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Morning Dove Li'l Fox Mother. We Li'l Fox grandparents. Morning Dove dead," Dark Horse said sadly, looking into the stream for strength. "Proud Eagle gone. We Li'l Fox's parents. No tell story. Too young. We parents. 'Proud Eagle,' you say. 'Paw,' you say. You grandson. We no tell. Li'l Fox not know. We love grandsons. How to tell? We quiet. No quiet now."

The double switchback was now complete. What I dared not think was true. They hadn't said my father's name. I had. I gave away the game. I told them that I was their grandson by the words I spoke in the fever from my broke leg. None of it made much since, until Dark Horse finally told it all to me, and I understood.

It was my father's village. These were my father's people. I'd come home.

In my mind, and in English, I went through what Dark Horse told me in my mind. I understood the words and the meaning of the words in English, although he spoke in Pawnee. I couldn't draw the meaning out of his words in Pawnee.

As I put the pieces together, Dark Horse hand stayed on my shoulder. My grandfather figured out what I was doing. He wanted me to know he was there to answer a question if I needed him to. He seemed to need to stay close.

He was my grandfather?

Dark Horse sat a distance from us. I did not question it. It was his way.

I didn't need to think in English when he said, "Grandson."

His tears were real, as were mine.

I didn't know if I should do what I wanted to do, but I did it anyway. I hugged my grandfather. He hesitated before hugging me back.

My mind cleared. All the pieces were now in place. I knew, and Li'l Fox had to know. I would not be able to hold back the knowledge he was my brother. If I wasn't holding my grandfather, I'm sure I'd have flown around the pasture.

I was brother of Li'l Fox, Medicine Woman was my grandmother, Dark Horse was my grandfather. This made Running Horse my cousin. Because Lone Wolf was uncle to Fleet Horse, that meant he was related to me. Did Lone Wolf know he was related to me before giving me the feathers?

Lone Wolf knew everything about his village. He had been told who I was. My head swirled with the removal of the mystery about who I was. It told me why I was so easily accepted in the village. I was a son of a son of the village.

I couldn't believe Li'l Fox knew. He'd have called me his brother if he knew. He didn't. I felt a strong connection to Li'l Fox. He did save my life, but what I felt was what I'd feel for my brother. What about Li'l Fox. He had to be told.

"Come. We walk."

I walked beside my grandfather as he did his best to explain.

After Morning Dove was killed, Li'l Fox was covered in his mother's blood. Proud Eagle saw this and he thought they were both dead. His thoughts became those of revenge. The warriors had been away hunting buffalo, and when they came back to the destruction, they went after the men who did this.

Fleet Horse, brother to Dark Horse returned to tell of Proud Eagle being shot, but he died from his wounds received in the ambush where paw was shot. The renegades, knowing they'd be chased, waited for the warriors.

While in my stupor, which kept me quiet enough to heal, I called out to Proud Eagle. I called him my Paw. Dark Horse and Medicine Woman realized who Li'l Fox brought to their wigwam. They feared Li'l Fox might figure it out, but he didn't. Now that I knew, it couldn't be kept secret.

Dark Horse told me, they decided not to tell Li'l Fox that his mother died and his father was probably dead. Why trouble a child with that kind of story. They would raise him. They were his parents and they were his grandparents.

"Must tell, Li'l Fox. He angry. We lie. Good lie, but lie. We fear to tell."

"I'll tell him," I said. "We're going to the mountain tomorrow. I'll wait until we have some time alone, and I'll start by talking about Proud Eagle. I'll tell him he's my father. I'll tell him about the attack on his village. I'll tell him that not only is Proud Eagle my father, he's his father too."

Dark Horse looked at me with tears in his eyes. He approved. I'd tell him.

Dark Horse and me walked in the pasture until it was dark. We returned to the wigwam, and Medicine Woman watched Dark Eagle's return. He nodded at her. She understood and nodded back.

I waited for Li'l Fox to sleep. I purposely let him go to bed first. I went to Medicine Woman and I leaned to hug her. He hugged me back. I sat at her feet and laid my head in her lap as she sewed. She'd stop from time to time, putting her hand on my face.

I did not cry. I was too happy from knowing what I knew. That knowledge explained everything.

I had come home.

*****

It was hard not to claim the first thing next morning, You brother, but I couldn't. There was a plan and I'd stick to it for Dark Horse and Medicine Woman. I'd be careful to draw the lines where each belonged. At the end of my talk with Li'l Fox, he'd know about the attack on his village. He'd know about my father.

That's where it got tricky. My father was his father. How do you tell a boy closing in on twenty, I'm your sixteen-year-old brother. At least I think I'm sixteen, because autumn has come again.

Running Horse wasn't waiting for us outside the Wigwam. We were leaving in the afternoon. It was nearly three hours to the mountain on foot, and we'd come on the flat land and would climb to the top tomorrow. There were camps on this side of the mountain that the Pawnee used. I'd see several when Li'l Fox brought me down, and I'd see more camps on our way up last hunting season.

I had a hunch that Running Horse was putting his gear together, and he'd do that before he came to the wigwam.

"No worry. He come," Li'l Fox told me.

My brother watched me like he knew something I might not know. He was happy and he didn't know how happy I was, and couldn't say.

"You, Running Horse do touching?"

"We do," I said, surprised.

"You say touched before?"

"Noah Blake touched me at school."

"You no like touch?"

"Like plenty. I watched him with two other boys. Big pissers. Mine small. Noah had each boys in his hand, feeling them. It looked fun to me."

"Where you see?"

"They went off together towards the woods. I went to see what they do. Two boys had pissers out and Noah had one in each hand. Feeling them."

"What you do?"

"Do? Oh,I didn't do anything. Every time Noah went to pee, I went with him. I hoped he'd do to me what he did to the big boys. He didn't. Paid me no mind, but I stuck with my plan. I started to grow more a year later, and at twelve I had a right good size pisser myself. One day Noah went to pee, I went with him, and he reached over and began feeling me like he felt the two older boys. They were gone now, and I guess he was looking for more pissers to feel. Took a while, but he finally got around to me."

"You like him feel."

"Felt good. Nothing not to like."

"You like this Noah."

"He was just a boy. Not dislike. I liked him touching me. That's all."

"You like Running Horse?"

There it was. I knew all the time we'd get to where Li'l Fox was going. Him being my brother and all, I couldn't lie to him.

"Not same, Li'l Fox."

"Why not same. He touch. Other boy touch. Same," Li'l Fox said not believing a word of it.

"Not same. He touch. Heart go crazy. Me smell. Heart go crazy. Running Horse know how to touch Tall Willow pretty damn OK. Big difference."

Li'l Fox laughed.

"Running Horse good touch," Li'l Fox said.

"He touches you?" I asked.

"We friends. Friends touch. Is good touch. You touch Running Horse?"

"You looking for some dirt on me?" I asked, trying to kid him.

"What is dirt on you?"

"Learn my secrets, Li'l Fox. Get the dirt on me."

"You touch Running Horse."

"I touch. I drive Running Horse crazy. He not hard to touch," I said.

"He hard when touch," Lil Fox said laughing. "Big touch Running Horse.

"What touch?" Running Horse said, walking up to the wigwam.

"You big touch," Li'l Fox said.

"You good touch," I said.

"We go to hunt. I touch plenty good," Running Horse said.

When we got off alone, he liked being held. I liked holding him. Being close to him meant total peace. We were often one when we waited for game. I had so much in that village, I couldn't believe it took me so long to find my way here.

What did I tell Running Horse? What would he say when he found out we were cousins? Will his feelings change. I didn't want anything to change, but there was one thing for sure, things would change even if I objected. On the hunting trip, Running Horse and me would be alone for hours every day.