It actually started in Beaverton, Oregon. At least that's how far back my memory went. Mom would take me to the sitters late in the day. She was on her way to work as a waitress in an all-night diner.

I started first grade in Beaverton. It was just me, the sitter, and some guy named U Jerk. That's what Mom called him. He was big, but everyone was big back then. I was very small.

As I tried to adjust to being trapped in a room with way too many kids, one day after I got home, some guy named Rusty Kramer was sitting in our easy chair in his boxers and socks. He needed a shave. Rusty always needed a shave.

"Hey, Shorty, you must be Beverly's kid. I'm Rusty. Most people call me Kramer. You may as well get used to me. I got a feeling I'll be around a while."

Kramer might still be there for all I knew. About two weeks later, Mom said, "Get your stuff. We're leaving."

Some dude named Benny Crawdad moved us into his place in Eugene. Benny wasn't there a lot, which made living with him OK. One day he brought me home a Teddy bear. He mussed up my hair and called me "Son."

It's the first time one of Mom's men called me that. I looked old Benny over more carefully. There was no way in hell I was his kid. I didn't ask Mom questions about dear old dad. When I did ask, I'm sure it bothered her. She'd say, "Quit bugging me. I don't remember that far back."

She'd told me she didn't know who my father was. If she knew him, she'd forgotten him, or he dumped her. For some reason I decided I didn't want to know any more than that. I gave up on the idea I'd look the guy up one day. I'd never called anyone daddy, and I couldn't see myself starting now.

When Benny brought me that bear and called me son, I wondered if he clipped it from some kid while his mother's back was turned. He wasn't around and I didn't have anything he might want to steal.

I'd been in second grade in Beaverton. I traded two dozen crumb snatchers at Beaverton Elementary for thirty new crumb snatchers at Eugene Elementary.

It's a drag to start school after all the other kids know each other. It was hard enough when I started school when everyone else did. I never liked anyone at Beaverton Elementary, I didn't figure I'd do any better in Eugene. I'd have complained to Mom, but she'd have asked, 'You want me to belt you?"

There was no complaining at whatever name was going by now. I was Joshua Butler, but they called me Josh or Butler. Mom's last name changes. I never heard her say she was a Butler, but I came along at least four and maybe five boyfriends ago. They all run together after a while.

Benny hung around a while and he usually came in with Mom, once she was home from work. I didn't figure he was a waitress too, but you never know. I was supposed to be sleeping, but I woke up when I heard any sounds near our place. I turned seven shortly after arriving in Eugene, but I still felt like a little kid. Benny called me Little Man. I tried to measure up, but like I said, I was pretty small compared to Benny.

I remembered Rusty. He was big as Benny. He smelled like beer and dirty feet. He always needed a shave and I heard Mom complain, "Cut it out, Rusty."

He didn't listen. He always needed a shave.

Mom worked in a couple of different places in Eugene. Where we lived, it was four blocks to the elementary school. I didn't need a sitter. I walked to school before Mom got out of bed, and I was home making a peanut butter sandwich when she was getting ready to go to work.

"Don't stay up half the night watching TV."

"Yes, ma'am. I won't."

I watched television and ate peanut butter sandwiches until I got sleepy. If I thought of it, I got up and went to bed, but sometimes I fell asleep on the couch. If I did and Benny came in, he'd carry me to my bed. I didn't really wake up, but Benny smelled a certain way and I remembered smelling him.

If Benny wasn't with Mom, she let me sleep on the couch. If the television was on, which it always was, she'd know I was up half the night watching it.

I spent nearly a year at school in Eugene. I didn't have any friends or anyone to talk to. I didn't have much to say. I did talk to my mother, but I'd classify her as indifferent.

I was there. She was my mom. Nothing to make a fuss about. Before Eugene I lived in Beaverton, but I'm repeating myself. I do that because my life is on a loop that often seems to be going in circles. It's a wonder I don't get dizzy.

There were always people around me. It was me and Mom until she took me to school. I'd been in school for what seemed like forever. I didn't like school. I had no trouble understanding. It was boring. I never seemed to know anyone, and where'd all those people come from?

The teacher didn't care. I was the one who came after school started. I'd figure it out unless I didn't. She was a teacher. Her job was to teach, not baby sit kids who didn't know when school started.

When we moved after school already started, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I'd done it often enough to know there had to be a better way. I needed to start school after everyone else knew each other. They didn't know me from Adam.

I'd mention this to Mom but I'd rather not get belted.

"One school is like another. What's it matter when you show up? They're going to teach what they teach whether you're there or not," Mom told me.

It made a certain amount of sense but it was somehow incomplete.

I never really felt like I belonged in Eugene. I mostly stayed home while Mom worked. Once she was home, I still felt alone. She had stuff to do.

Mom was a waitress at Apollo's Restaurant in Eugene. After a while of me eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner, Mom had me come to the restaurant to get an early dinner. The first time was a little awkward. I didn't know what to expect. The only eating out I did was at Burger King and Taco Bell.

Apollo was a round Greek guy with hair everywhere. He wore a white cap, a dirty white apron, and a white short sleeve button up shirt. The shirt wasn't much cleaner than the apron.

When I met him, Mom said, "Here's the kid. Say hello to Apollo, Joshua."

Apollo stuck his hand out and I gave it a good shake. He had a stern look on his face as he walked all around me.

"What you mean, Kid. He almost grown, Beverly. He be big man one day."

Apollo smiled at me. I smiled at him.

"You bring plenty big appetite, Josh? Apollo feed you up good."

"Yeah," I said, liking the sound of it.

Mom clipped the back of my head.

"Yes, Sir," I said, remembering my manners.

I don't know what I ate, but boy it was good. Apollo didn't cook. He danced with the food. He moved over here. He moved over there. He stirred this and flipped that, and when he cooked meals for his customers, he put a little bit of each dish on a plate he would bring to me. It was wonderful.

Each day I came home from school, which was four blocks away, and once I ate, I went to the apartment, which was two blocks from Apollo's Restaurant.

Every day when I came in, Apollo inspected me. He walked all around me. He had me make a muscle, and he felt it. He nodded and he smiled at me.

"You be man soon. You grow plenty big."

He'd laugh and I laughed.

After a while he had me doing my homework at the table on one side of the kitchen. He would come over and look over my shoulder when he wasn't busy stirring this or flipping that.

"You understand all this writing?" he'd ask me.

"Uh huh," I'd say.

"You pretty damn smart. You be big man. You be smart man soon."

I liked going to Apollo's. I never did like going to school. I remember Apollo was as round as he was tall. He always had a smile on his face. When I was in the kitchen and he went to speak to his customers, I'd hear him laughing, and the customers were laughing. It made me smile.

I thought I might like it if Apollo was my missing father.

Apollo loved his work. He loved life. I was part of his days, weekends too. I think he was happy. I didn't know anyone who was happy before. Living took a lot of energy. Some days I wasn't sure I had enough energy to make it. I never had any difficulty getting to Apollo's. He was always happy to see me. He'd inspect me and give me his approval.

"You pretty damn OK, Josh."

I suppose I knew better than to like Apollo too much and get used to having somewhere to go after school, but I liked it and I wanted it to go on and on.

On the last day I went to Apollo's, before we moved to Stanley's, Apollo walked around me with that stern look he gave me for such an inspection.

"You make muscle," he ordered.

I instantly obeyed.

"Pretty damn good. You be man soon," Apollo told me.

There was a hitch in his words and he didn't smile. I cried and I hugged myself to him.

I didn't want to go.

"You be man soon. You come see Apollo any damn time you like," he said.

I knew I'd never see him again.

When Mom left a place, we never went back. I think Apollo knew that.

By the time we left, I knew the names of my favorite dishes Apollo fixed me. I could recognize most of what he cooked. I could tell him what I wanted. I knew the seasonings he used and how long to cook each item. After doing homework, and before I went home, I watched Apollo do his dance with food.

I was nowhere close to being a man, but I was growing and learning.

When Mom said, "We're leaving. Get your stuff," I knew what it meant.

I belonged nowhere. I depended on no one to be there for long.

Now, it was Stanley's turn. He moved us to Eagle Point, Oregon.

I was eight. I would go to Earle Point Elementary School.

When Mom married Stanley Crunch, she said, "He's the one."

I figured that meant he was the latest one. There had always been one, and I calculated there would always be one. It had little to do with me, but for the first time we would be living in a house. It was a big sucker. I needed a map to find my way to my bedroom. I had my own bedroom. This might not be so bad.

The house was big. I was still small, but I had high hopes of one day getting big. My hopes, my dreams, my wishes, were for my Mom to stop moving, so I didn't need to change schools long after the school year started.

I no longer slept in a room with Mom and her noisy boyfriends. It was a step up in the world for me. I could shut my door and close out the world if I needed to, except for Rachael, but she was like totally cool. I liked her.

That's a bit of a leap. I didn't know what liking someone was, until I moved into Stanley's. People were all around me. They came. They went. I got no say. I was a kid. I did what I was told.

Eugene was big with college kids all over the place. They weren't really kids to me. They were all big and always in a big hurry. Eagle Point was small.

The school was on the same street as Stanley's house. Almost everything was on that street back then. Eagle Point was growing. So was I, a little, maybe?

Stanley knew I came in a package deal with Mom. He wasn't able to pull over on the way to Eagle Point and say, "Your stop. Good luck, Kid."

Mom wouldn't allow that. At least, she hadn't allowed it yet. I didn't know much. I did know Stanley Crunch was stuck with Joshua Butler for at least another ten years, or until Mom said, 'Get your stuff, Josh. We're leaving."

Stanley saw me as relatively harmless back then. I was neatly tucked away in my room on the other side of the house. He and Mom could make all the noise they wanted. He'd put up with me because he wanted my Mom.

Life is weird that way. No one really wanted me around. I just was around and that was that.

I suppose these could be described as my formative years. I didn't know what was forming inside my head, but my life went slower in Eagle Point. I felt as if I was finally catching up with other kids. I didn't like them anymore than other kids, but I no longer felt as though I was swimming up stream.

Stanley didn't drink or cuss, which was a nice change. It was difficult to know if my mother's other boyfriends knew any words longer than four letters. They rarely cussed at me and they got to talk the way they wanted.

I hardly remember some of Mom's boyfriends, but I don't have any trouble remembering Stanley, because when we moved in, we moved in to stay.

Stanley is OK. He doesn't yell either. He hasn't hit me yet. I ate good food and I wear nice clothes. His daughters, Rachael, Wendy, and Clare, are his pride and joy. At eight, I didn't worry Stanley. If I stayed eight, Stanley would never have given me a second thought, but I would grow up and that worried him.

He kept a lookout for roving bands of boys who were looking to ravage his daughters if he didn't keep watch. He kept a close eye on his girls and me.

None of us was going to get involved in any hanky panky at Stanley's.

At eight, I wasn't into hanky panky with anyone, but if I knew how to hanky panky, I'd have given it a try. I didn't even know I liked boys, until Mom took me to Eagle Point Elementary to be interviewed by the principal. He looked me over pretty good before he decided to take me.

In three years I was on my third school. I wouldn't get too comfortable.

Moving to Eagle Point meant starting over. It was September, but I missed two weeks of school because the wedding was postponed a week, after Stanley sprained his ankle. I came into my third grade classroom late on a Tuesday and two weeks after the school year started.

I knew the routine. I'd sit alone, eat alone, go out for recess and sit alone in some out of the way spot where everyone left me alone. I had no great urge to mingle and make friends. Friends might be good to have. It's hard to lose them.

I carried a note from the office for Mrs Evangeline Frump. She read the note. It was her turn to look me over. I came with both arms, both legs, and a worried look on my face. At first, I wasn't sure she'd take me.

She remained silent for too long to be making up her mind. I waited to see if she was going to take me or not.

"Class," Mrs Frump sang, "This is Joshua Butler. He'll be joining our class. I want you all to say, hello Joshua."

"Hello, Joshua," the class sang it the same way the teacher said it.

"Does a boy want to volunteer to be Joshua guide? It would be very nice if one of you boys would be Joshua's friend. We want him to feel welcome here."

One boy in the back of the classroom raised his hand.

"Kerry Kane. Thank you, Kerry. I want you to meet Joshua Butler," Mrs Frump said as she moved me to the back of the room to stand next to Kerry.

"You too get acquainted. If you don't talk too loud, it'll be OK to talk."

I was indifferent to most stuff, but was soon as I shook Kerry's hand, something got my attention in a way nothing had before. He was cute and he came with the friendliest smile. I could be this boy's friend, and I would be.

Kerry never called me Joshua. It was Josh right away. I liked how he said it.

Our desks were touching. Our arms were touching. Our thighs touched. I felt dizzy. I felt excited. I felt nice. He felt nice as he told me about the class.

Making a friend the first day of school wasn't the smart thing to do. I didn't know how long I'd be there, and Kerry made me feel like I wanted his friendship. I knew it was his job, but it was more than that. He didn't act like it was a job.

At recess, each kid came over for Kerry to introduce us. One at a time, I met everyone in Mrs Frump's third grade class. It made me feel like I belonged there. Kerry held my hand when we went outside. He held my hand when we went back into the classroom. He stayed right beside that day.

Kerry walked me home from school. I pointed in the direction of Stanley's house. We walked together and he held my hand. I liked this kid.

Standing in Stanley's driveway, he was still holding my hand.

"We're neighbors," he said. "We live right next door."

"You do," I said, looking around Stanley's twenty-five acres.

"You can't see our house. We have fifty acres. I live three quarters of a mile over that way," he said, pointing to the northeast. "We raise alpaca. My brothers and I take care of them. That's why we need all that land. Alpacas like to roam."

I watched Kerry go in the direction he pointed. He cut across Stanley's land.

When I first went inside of Stanley's house, Rachael and her sisters were waiting at the front door. Stanley had Rachael show me to my room. She did. She was nice. She knew the score. A kid brother came with the new wife.

Rachael was nice to me. I wasn't sure why.

When I came in after my first day after school, Rachael was waiting for me.

"Oh, how did your day go, Josh?"

"Fine," I said, not knowing what to say.

"I want to hear all about it. Come on, I'm making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I found this super keen grape/cherry jelly at the market. I think you'll like it. It's got a great taste."

I had no reason to doubt her. I'd ate enough peanut butter to fill my room, and I guess one more peanut butter sandwich wouldn't hurt.

I watched her make me a sandwich while she made hers. She didn't skimp. I mean it was big gobs of nutty peanut butter and a mound of jam on top. She spread it all out, dropped another slice of bread on top, cut it in half, sliding the results over in front of me. The jam smelled heavenly.

Rachael put a big glass of milk down in front of me before she sat down.

"Tell me all about your first day, Josh. I went to school there. I know all the teachers. I'm in middle school now."

I told her all about it. I told her about Kerry. I told her about the hand holding. I told her he walked me home.

"His name is Kerry Kane. He lives around here," and I pointed in the direction where Kerry pointed.

"The Kanes," she said, clutching her chest like she'd been shot. "There are five Kane boys. Karl is gorgeous. Kasey looks just like Karl. He's a year younger. I know them from school. I actually don't see them much. They skinny dip in our pond in the summer. I watch sometimes. It's the only way a girl knows anything, and I want to know everything about the Kanes," she said sounding giddy.

I wasn't sure why she wanted me to know about all that, but she was cool. Rachael made me feel like I wasn't out of place at Stanley's house. It was nice to have someone to talk to, even if she did most of the talking. That was cool too, because I had a hard time knowing what to say.

As Stanley's daughters went, Rachael was the rose in the bunch. I calculated she was pretty, and I'm not saying Wendy and Clare aren't pretty.

Wendy looked at me like I had two heads, and she was trying to figure out what the second head did. I was looked at that way before.

Clare didn't look at me. Clare didn't know I existed. Clare was too busy being Clare to see anything but a stranger who showed up one day. Clare and I didn't occupy the same universe, but it meant I didn't need to deal with her.

Rachael wasn't done yet. While she was mooning over Karl, her elbow ended up in the middle of her sandwich.

She laughed.

"I'm so crazy. The Kanes are the most," she said, wiping jelly off her elbow.

Rachael was being nice to me without me knowing why. I understood Wendy and Clare. People ignoring me were nothing new. Rachael was nice to me because Rachael was nice. That took some getting use to, but I did, and Rachael made sure I had what I needed.

I had sitters until Mom thought I was big enough to walk to and from school. I don't think any of them cared anything about me. They were paid to allow me to stay at their place, until Mom came for me.

Rachael seemed to like me. I liked that.


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"Rachael"

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"Kerry Kane"

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